A MEMORANDUM OF UNDERSTANDING FROM THE NORTH POLE COUNCIL FOR MYTHICAL ARTISANS AND TEAMSTERS
To whom it may concern,
We at the North Pole Council for Mythical Artisans and Teamsters (NPCMAT) have some serious concerns that must be heard. Conditions here at the pole have become untenable as of late, both due to market fluctuations and actions taken by Mr. Claus (hereinafter referred to as MANAGEMENT). It is our belief that increasing the amount of gift cards donated to the CASA Holiday Toy Drive is the only reasonable method for mitigating these concerns.
CONCERN: The North Pole's Wishlist Task Force has mounting concerns regarding data insufficiencies, particularly from the teenage population, who would rather have the independence of purchasing their own gifts. If current trends continue, and no changes are made, this could have catastrophic effects on the Gift Happiness Index (GHI).
SOLUTION: Gift cards are the most requested item by teenagers. It is time that the MANAGEMENT reverse its policy on gift cards so that teens can feel some control by shopping for themselves. This will help preserve the North Pole's stellar record of high scores on the GHI.
CONCERN: The population of Good Boys and Girls has vastly expanded, while the available North Pole workforce has shrunk due to job competition from The North Pole MegaPlex of Fun and Wonder.
SOLUTION: It is well established fact that gift cards are easier to produce, lowering the need to compete for seasonal employees.
CONCERN: The increasing complexity of gift items available, coupled with the appalling lack of continuing education for the elven workforce, has led to a level of craftsmanship that does not meet North Pole standards or the reputation we have spent so long building.
SOLUTION: By shifting the burden of less experienced elves to the production of gift cards, more established elves will be able to focus on more complex toys, thereby ensuring there will be no more instances of children opening the boxes of their LEGO Millennium Falcon sets only to find they were made of potato and not plastic (see Incident Report #197).
CONCERN: In recent years, children moving placements has lead to an increasing numbers of gifts being delivered to the wrong homes, leading children to not having gifts for the holidays.
SOLUTION: Gift card transport is less burdensome, meaning it can be outsourced to the United States Postal Service for children who are placed in different towns or cities, thus lessening the likelihood of error in delivery.
CONCERN: Forced to carry an ever-increasing load, Blitzen has suffered an epigastric hernia. He was rushed to surgery and is expected to make a full recovery, but will not be able to participate in the flight this holiday season.
SOLUTION: Gift cards are, on average 97.9% less heavy than typical gifts, sharply lowering the likelihood of injury and workers compensations claims.
CONCERN: Because a shortage of magical flying reindeer means there will only be eight reindeer flying the sleigh, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Rudolph have been forced to put in significant overtime training hours, costing the North Pole valuable resources.
SOLUTION: An 11.2% increase in the number of gift cards (and corresponding 11.2% reduction in regular gifts) will offset the staffing shortfall caused by Blitzen's injury.
CONCERN: In an attempt to alleviate budgetary concerns, MANAGEMENT attempted to bring in contract labor in the form of Bixby the Flying Raccoon. Suffice it to say, it did not go well (see Incident Reports #231, #232 and #237).
SOLUTION: MANAGEMENT is on his own for this one.
In short, it is a no brainer that increasing the level of gift card donations will alleviate nearly all grievances of the NPCMAT's members. This change will vastly improve conditions for both North Pole workers and the good boys and girls they serve.
President, North Pole Council for Mythical Artisans and Teamsters
If you would like, pursuant to the requests stated in this memo, to donate gift cards to the CASA Holiday Toy Drive, please visit CASA's Target Wishlist or CASA's Walmart Wishlist to send gift cards directly to our offices. Donations of $30 Target and Walmart gift cards give teens the opportunity to shop for themselves and allow us to serve kids who are placed in other cities or states and who enter the system too late to match with sponsors. Please consider donating today to help ensure better working conditions at the North Pole.
Holidays November 2016